SEX ED STARTS AT BIRTH
Sex Ed Starts at Birth. Yes, Really.
Sex ed starts at birth. Yes. I mean it exactly like I say it. I feel so strongly about it I made a shirt with the phrase on it and wear it often (check it out here: https://www.bonfire.com/sex-ed-starts-at-birth/)
No, it does not mean I think parents should be talking to their newborn about what happens when they get their period or what sex actually is. What it means is that waiting until your kid is about to go through puberty, or is already in the middle of it, is way too late to start talking about it.
Sex ed is more than just the birds and the bees. It is using correct anatomical names for body parts. It is teaching consent. It is normalizing conversations about bodies and biology so that by the time the bigger conversations come, your kid is not hearing it for the first time.
Here is what that looks like at each stage:
From birth ~ use real words.
Penis. Vulva. Vagina. Nipples. Buttocks. These are body parts. They have names. When you use made-up words or say nothing at all, you send a message, even to a baby who cannot understand it yet, that these parts are different. Secret. Shameful. Correct words from the beginning tell your child that their whole body is normal and nameable.
It also matters for safety. A child who knows the correct word for their body parts can tell you clearly if something hurts or if someone touched them inappropriately.
From birth ~ make diaper changes a place of education.
This one surprises parents every time and it is one of my favorite pieces of practical advice. Diaper changes are an opportunity, from day one, to narrate what you are doing and why.
"It is time to change your diaper. I am going to use a wipe to clean the pee off of your body."
That is it. Simple, calm, matter of fact. You are teaching your baby that their body is not a mystery, that caregiving involves communication, and that what happens to their body gets named out loud.
As they get older, bring them into it. "We need to change your diaper, do you want to help? You can pick the diaper, get the wipes, or help pull the tabs." You are building bodily autonomy before they even have the words for it. You are teaching them that they have a role in what happens to their own body. That lesson compounds over time in ways that matter enormously.
Toddlers ~ introduce consent and appropriate touch.
This is simpler than most parents think. Ask before you tickle. Ask before you hug. Let your toddler say no to a hug from grandma without consequence. When you force physical affection, even well-meaning affection, you teach your child that their no does not matter when an adult wants something. That lesson will follow them.
Talk about appropriate touch in simple, concrete terms. Some touches are okay, like a hug from someone you want to hug, a doctor checking your body with a parent in the room, a caregiver cleaning your body. Some touches are not okay, anyone touching your private parts outside of health or hygiene, anyone asking you to keep a touch secret. Use those words. Make the distinction clear and repeat it often.
When your toddler touches their genitals, AND THEY WILL (and its totally normal and age appropriate), because it feels good and they are curious, respond calmly. "That is your vulva/penis”. We touch our private parts in private." That is it. No alarm. No shame. Just information and a boundary.
Early childhood (ages 4-7) ~ answer what they ask.
Kids this age ask questions. Where do babies come from? Why does my body look different from my brother's? Why do you use pads/tampons? Answer honestly and simply. You do not need to give a full biology lecture to a five year old. "Babies grow in a special place inside some people's bodies called a uterus" is a complete, honest, age-appropriate answer. Follow their lead. Answer what they asked. Stop when they stop being curious. Some kids are more curious than others and that is ok.
Ages 8-10 ~ start talking about puberty before it happens.
Nobody should be blindsided by their first period. Nobody should think something is wrong with them because their body is growing hair in new places or their emotions feel out of control. Start the puberty conversation before the first sign appears. Make it ongoing, not a one-time talk with a capital T, but something that comes up naturally and regularly without a big production. Normalizing these conversations decreases shame and increases trust and comfort with your child coming to you with questions and to talk, instead of seeking out answers and information in often misinformed or even dangerous places (friends, social media, etc.).
What I want every parent to know:
You do not have to be perfect at this. You are going to stumble over your words. You are going to wish you had said something differently. There are SO many things I wish I had done differently with my first two kids, but I couldn’t teach what I didn’t know.
It is ok to not know everything and not be perfect. What matters is that your child knows the door is open. That bodies are not shameful. That questions are welcome. That you are the person they can come to.
The goal is not one perfect conversation. It is an ongoing series.
If you want support, whether that is for yourself as a parent or a structured experience for you and your child together, that is exactly what the Kids + Families offerings at Midwife For Your Sex Life are built for.
